Greatest ever letter of complaint

This is a genuine letter of complaint sent to Sir Richard Branson. We know that because we checked with Virgin. Polly in the press office confirmed that Branson phoned the man back because "he always likes to hear feedback".

But she wouldn't confirm rumours that the Virgin boss thought this was the funniest letter of complaint he'd ever received.

Dear Mr Branson

REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008

I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.

Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at thehands of your corporation.

Look at this Richard. Just look at it:

I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?

You don’t get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it’s next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That’s got to be the clue hasn’t it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in:

 

I know it looks like a baaji but it’s in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you’ll be fascinated to hear that it wasn't custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It’s only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.

Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents and if they knew I had started desert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what’s on offer.

I’ll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it’s Christmas morning and you’re sat their with your final present to open. It’s a big one, and you know what it is. It’s that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

Only you open the present and it’s not in there. It’s your hamster Richard. It’s your hamster in the box and it’s not breathing. That’s how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this:

 

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it’s more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It’s mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.

Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.

By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it’s baffling presentation: 

 

It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn’t want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.

I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.

Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard entertainment. I switched it on: 

 

I apologise for the quality of the photo, it’s just it was incredibly hard to capture Boris Johnson’s face through the flickering white lines running up and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel: 

 

Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I’d had enough. I was the hungriest I’d been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.

My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations: 

 

Yes! It’s another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white stuff.

Richard…. What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt. It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture between the Baaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I’d done it loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard.

So that was that Richard. I didn’t eat a bloody thing. My only question is: How can you live like this? I can’t imagine what dinner round your house is like, it must be like something out of a nature documentary.

As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It’s just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to it’s knees and begging for sustenance.

Yours Sincererly...

(Hat tip: Ben Lancaster)

Comments

[Steve Broomhall]

"it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese."

Genius. I can't help thinking that Baaji Custard could easily be found on the menu at the Fat Duck. Perhaps Virgin recruited Heston as their executive chef?

[Carol G.]

Brilliant! What I want to know is what actually was the food and what did Mr Branson do about this complaint?( he is charming, met him years ago)

C.

[guy]

That's brilliant.

[Adam]

Funniest story I have read in years. More please!!!

[Bill Peter]

I'm crying, and my stomach hurts.

[nim]

bloody brilliant

[steve]

Thank you! This cheered my whole office up on a gloomy tuesday in croydon!

[MelanieL]

My husband was made redundant yesterday, so I feel far from humorous. This letter - whether real or not - had tears of laughter rolling down my face. Thank you for giving me something to read that brought a few minutes of light relief! Hope Sir Richard Branson is reviewing his catering contract in Mumbai.

[Dan]

Very, very funny.

[Kerry]

My husband and I have tears of laughter running down our well fed faces but I suspect if you were hungry it would take some time to see the humour in this.

[H]

Brilliant! I'd love to know if he replies to it!

[Rob]

Fantastic...i can't remember the last time I laughed out loud in the office!

[Chagh]

Perhaps the funniest article ever.

[madmarce]

I've never flown Virgin, and now I never will.

[Deepak Singh]

And pray, what was wrong with the food? I travel professionally, and this seems like a feast compared to the delectable delights on airlines from the USA.

[Joan Grady]

Now, I write a mean complaints letter. But I bow to this guy. He the man! I'm even going to let him away with 'deserts' and 'it's knees'. Oops...

Magic.

[Rebecca]

Oh my word! I just wheezed and cried with laughter for 10 minutes at my desk. Tears were actually rolling down my face.

The writer needs to stand up and take a bow for refering to Branson by his first name in almost every paragraph.

Brilliant!

[Eamon B]

I haven't laughed like that at a piece of writing in ages. Actual tears!

I want to meet this person.

[Charlie]

Very funny story, lets hope Virgin look into their packaging at the same time as the baaji custard. Wouldn't it be great if they used compostable packaging to contain this extraordinary food!

[Rajendra Vaya]

Brilliant , it has happened to all of us one time or the other on many a airlines.The things served and passed off as food on many flights is akin to regurgitated bird droppings. What the writer/traveller did was,he too the pains toinform Mr. Richard. If I was the Tycoon I would I would allow him to fly free for lifeon his Airline.(There again a punishment or compensation????

[Sam Cornwell]

I Just laughed like Mutley. English language at it's very very best. Beautifully composed sir!

[Steve]

It's too long to be a classic.

The best ever complaining letter was sent to Mike Denness, former England cricket captain. It came in an envelope addressed only thus:

"Mike Denness, Cricketer"

The letter said:

"If you are reading this, the Post Office thinks more of you than I do."

[Philip]

I have just spent 5 minutes trying not to laugh out loud in the office, and failing. In the end I had to forward it to some of my colleagues, who are now all trying not to laugh aloud as well. Pure genius.

[Dhaval]

I take my hat off to this guy, this is without a doubt the funniest complaint letter I've EVER read. Absolutely hilarious!

Vodka with refreshers? Hmm - tasty! haha.

[Lynsey]

Fantastic! I was shaking with laughter at my desk reading this and going purple trying not to laugh out loud.

This guy is a genius! He should get a free flight.

[Mandy Thomson]

I can only assume that they use the same caterer as Air Transat.... Their aloo gobi (if it can be called that) is a culinary delight, matched only by their in flight entertainment (one screen over the middle row) and excellent customer service...

[Flick]

This was so funny, absolutely brilliant! :)

[steve]

This, my friends, is shear genius. read this and rejoice. The human spirit is not dead and I salute this person.

[Tony]

It's not actually funny, and does the writer think by mentioning "Richard" 85 times it makes it funny and personal? No it does not.

[Lis Rose]

I hope Richard invited him over for dinner with the family :D

[DPC]

Whilst this is funny I agree with Steve, it's quite long.

A short and sweet complaint letter that made me giggle and 'lol' was by footballer, Dan Howse.

It was to KFC and went something like this:

'Dear Colonel,

Your supposed fried chicken looks nothing like a chicken.....'

This was printed in the local paper. Can you imagine the ribbing he got in the changing room!

Absolute classic.......

[emily richards]

I think whoever wrote this is a genius and sooooooo right. Virgin Atlantic's food is truly digusting and I have had many meals such as this one on my flights. Thanks for sending in this letter of complaint!!

[Nick Daniel]

Simply brilliant! That is creative writing at its best!

[Steven]

'The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird'

Brilliant! LOOOOL

[Yogita J]

The best thing I've ever read on the web...Hilarious

[James]

Is this the length you have to go to to get a response from Virgin. I've not once had a follow up to all of my complaints to Virgin Media

[David Brooke]

You should try flying Jet Airways to Mumbai. The service and food was the best I'd ever had in the air. There also a lot cheaper to fly than Virgin - Sorry Richard but your standards have dropped.

[Badger]

To Tony (27 Jan 2009 14:10:45),

lighten up, you po-faced git...

[Laura]

My colleague suggested I read this letter as he felt it sounded like something I'D write to a company.

This is 10 times better than what I've ever written & I've only just stopped crying from laughter!

I'm going to have to read it again - utterly fantastic!

[Sofie Hallor]

hahahahahaah oh dear I've actually got tears in my eyes. Best letter of complaint, EVER.

[Fleur S]

Actual tears flooding down my face, simply the best thing I've read in ages. The Times should track this guy down and offer him a job as restaurant critic/ chief grouch.

[Annie]

This guy should get his own weekly radio show. He is very funny - and the delight is that he didn't fall into anger, but raised himself up to wicked irony.

I'm a Yank, but this to me epitomizes the best of British humor.

And yes, our food sucks.

[Will Hawkins]

This is simply the funniest article I have read in ages. I was crying with laughter at my desk, so much so that people were getting concerned that I was upset!

[Ed Charvet]

Ouch! Ouch! Dribble! Snort....Fabulous!!

[Tej]

This is hysterical - please track the author down - he really should be a food critic for the airline industry!

[4outof10]

The funniest letter I have ever read. Surely made funnier by his repitition of the name "Richard".

Hilarious

[Donna]

Fantastic what a talent! lol xx

[MG]

Must be an American author, nobody in the UK complains about anything...most Brits would have eaten it without comment, expecting that having left their island that will have to eat something different, that didnt look like meat and two veg. Some would have eaten the packaging and not murmured.

[Tanuj]

As a piece of writing...nothing beats it!

BUT if this was meant to be a serious complaint, I also applaud the writers total ignorance of the food of the place he was returning back from.

[Siobhan]

I've just been forwarded the link to this and nearly deleted the email - thank god I didn't. Has brightened up my day no end. I wish I'd been sat next to him - not for the food, you understand, but for the company. Hilarious.

[Ben Park]

It's not JUST Virgin at fault.
I got a free holiday courtesy of Thomas Cook a few years back when my best mate won it in a competition.
As part of the competition, we got free breakfast on the (reasonably short) morning flight and I was served a fry up with extra *something*. I couldn't decide if it was toast, egg, or mashed potato, so I only ate the bread roll.

Why do these airlines with extremely limited cooking facilities try and do such complicated food though? A bacon sandwich they could probably have managed - bacon is just about microwavable. Or what's wrong with cereal? If all you have is a small microwave, quit trying to make a 3-course meal (all cooked at the same time)

[wahm couk]

Brilliant!! The author has managed to insult, entertain and get his poitn across with great style. I'd love to know what the menu said he was eating!! A quote from Virgins website: "You can forget the usual jokes about airline food, ours is delicious..." OK well lets NOT forget the jokes about airline food, the food IS the joke! I wonder if his baaji/mustard tasted good at all?

[shell]

oh dear me...
am in a university computer room shaking with supressed laughter...
ppl are starting to stare....

[Sharon]

It's got to be real. The standard of English is terrible!

[Jenn]

Brilliant. Just brilliant. I love the way he goes "...Look at this Richard. Just look at it ..."!

[Denise Z.]

Customer satisfaction is a CONTINUOUS process. The Virgin brand is no exception.

A satisfied customer tells 10 friends, but a dissatisfied customer posts to hundreds of friends on blogs and Twitter.

Denise (@DeniseTwin)

[linda westmore]

Hilarious! good job my chair has a back to it. Have read it twice so far. Who is he I wonder?

[Nikki B]

That has totally brightened my day. Just the funniest thing I have ever read - thank you so much for printing it!
I do hope the anonymous writer can be found and congratulated!

[Rodrigo Salem]

HILARIOUS!

Someone hire this guy for a stand up show. Ricky Gervais stuff!

Brilliant!

[David]

absolutely brilliant. very, very funny

[Matt S]

It’s your hamster Richard. It’s your hamster in the box and it’s not breathing.

Superb!

[no bandwagon]

Sorry I never even cracked a smile. If that is the funniest thing some of you have ever read then I feel nothing but pity for you. I have definitely read funnier things than that.

[Queen Goob]

HEY!!! They still serve food on your flights? I'm lucky to get four peanuts and a hot ginger ale!

[Gabriela Romanini]

Apart of being the funniest letter that I have ever read, this is a serious case. Can you imagine yourself hungry in a 10 hours flight? Well done for the author that has not left it alone.

Hopefully the company does its best not to pass by this embarrassing situation again. They should seriously considered that any one is a potential seller. After that I would never buy a single ticket to fly by this company as I am already avoiding one that has served me a crap food like this last time I flew.

[Niel Malan]

At the risk of sounding like another po-faced git, I should say I don't think this is very funny.

I was also raised strictly and taught not to complain about food.

In quite another aspect, this writer acts like the stereotypical British traveller, totally incapable of adapting to (or even accommodating) a culture that differs from his own.

[Rob D]

Sorry, I've read / written better.

This guy (clearly a freshly-graduated middle-class kid on an India 'experience' holiday courtesy of pater's credit card) thinks he's funnier than he is - and clearly wanted notoriety / publicity.

Plus the repetition of 'Richard' is straight out of Eddie Murphy's early stand-ups in 1980's - when he impersonates his drunken dad berating him. Snore....

[mistersnappy]

Sounds even funnier when you read it out to your wife over the phone.

Pure unadulterated genius.

What was Richard's response?

[sophia]

MOVE OVER A.A. GILL!!!

[bob]

Give this man a weekly coloumn.
This is wthout doubt the funniest real complaint letter I have ever read. Made only funier by the attention to detail , photos and references to "RICHARD".

[Izzie]

My favourite passage is the one about the cookie...I almost had an asthma attack laughing at my desk!

[Imran]

I flew Virgin Atlantic to Mumbai last year and I had a similar experience. The food on the outgoing journey was terrible. Can you believe they couldnt provide the halal meat meal that every airline in years of travel has been able to give me. Instead I got a poor excuse for vegetarian curry. They compensated our group of four with a single 25 pounds voucher to use on a Virgin Holiday. Yippee, I cant wait....NOT!

[R Branson]

Dear Complainant,

There are people out there starving and living on the streets, so we choose those for our consumer group on this food, they loved it!! Not one complaint at all, in fact they all wanted seconds.

And for your information, the mash was indeed digested by a bird, but unfortunately at the time of your trip she was a little unwell so the mash did come out a little less firm than we hoped, so apologies for that. Rest assured though the mash is now fluffy and firm.

Thank you for your continued support

Richard B

[Jon]

Superb, hilarious and it gets better on the second reading. It's taken me 10 mins to gather my composure!

[Marie-Louise C.]

Hope Virgin doesn't identify the dishes...let them remain one of life's great mysteries.

[Gordon Simpson]

This made me roar and thankfully confirms my decision in 1999 never to fly coach/economy every again!

haha

[Becky]

BRILLIANT! Laughing my head off please let this genius start a blog and entertain us all with other tales of woe.

[Nelly]

So hillarious!!!

Carmen, thank you for sending it to me. Next time, If I find a bad service, I will do the same. Hehehehe....

[Lynda]

Abso-blooming-lutely hysterical! THIS, my American friends, is irony. The tears streaming down my face are no longer because I'm at home with an-on-the-verge-of-chicken-pox 3 yr old, staring out the window at the sodding rain :-)
So what was your response, Richard?

[J Singh]

Has someone really commented about the author - "totally incapable of adapting to (or even accommodating) a culture that differs from his own."
So is this what you think Indian food is like?
Priceless.

[07759218825]

I haven't laughed so much in ages. I am ex Cabin Cew for a well known charter airlines and the meals we served up look like a well known food advert in comparison!!!

[Not Tony]

Tony, don't be silly. Are you a person who disagrees with people just to be different, just to stand out, just to gain some semblance of significance? Everyone else says it's funny, the majority rules my friend, the majority rules.

[Ian]

Very, very entertaining read. Also amusing are the people declaring "it's not funny" as if they are the arbiters who decide that for everyone. Good grief, get a life guys!

Top letter and well done to Virgin for admitting it's real.

[mike c]

I can't believe some people don't find this funny. I've just managed to pick myself up off the floor. It's just brilliant.

[Mitch]

Well, this one isn't half bad, either (full text):

To the Gas Company

Hartford, February 12, 1891.

Dear Sirs:

Some day you will move me almost to the verge of irritation by your chuckle-headed Goddamned fashion of shutting your Goddamned gas off without giving any notice to your Goddamned parishioners. Several times you have come within an ace of smothering half of this household in their beds and blowing up the other half by this idiotic, not to say criminal, custom of yours. And it has happened again today. Haven’t you a telephone?

Ys

S L Clemens (Mark Twain)

[Fred]

It is funny alright, but the guy also proves to be pretty close minded. In some countries, for instance, tomato is actually considered a fruit and eaten with sugar. If he wants to eat like home he should stay home.

[Debbie]

some of the reactions of people in response to this letter are even funnier than the letter

[Barbara L.]

Absolutely fantastic, still crying from it and try to catch my breath somewhere. Loved it, pls write more...:-))

[NStriv]

Definitely doesn't look like any 'desert' I've ever seen. There's usually more sand than that.

[eleanord]

Oh dear Lord, I am shaking in silent mirth! I hope Richard actually rang the guy back, that would be the icing on this deliciously hilarious cake :D

[Martha Kanen]

Are you listening, Richard? Maybe the contents of this letter could have been stated differently but that sounded like a long and difficult flight. I'm glad this person spoke up.

[crispin gillbard]

Pure joy. Well done Virgin and well done passenger. I hope he was reimbursed somehow.

[john callinan]

Its quite obvious that this character wrote this to amuse himself on a long flight. He seems to have asked for about 4 sweets and other courses in an odd order. Presumably he could have asked the in-flight staff what the menu was at any time; (the sometimes camp stewards on easy jet would have loved it).
The items did manage to look rather disgusting, so his criticism was quite valid. Also very funny!
Maybe the practice of writing critiques on a long flight will catch on. Challenging for the airlines. No bad thing.

[Indy]

Very funny letter!

I especially love reading the comments though, particularly from the people who have their heads so far up their backsides that nothing is funny anymore.

ROB D, N MALAN, NO BANDWAGON & TONY, get a *****g life. I have never felt it more necessary to point out how completely irrelevant some people can be. You must be all comic geniuses and a fantastic laugh down the pub - if you're not far too superior to go to the pub that is, or actually have any friends left that live up to your obviously superior wit!

Everyone else isn't wrong guys and for crying out loud, if you haven't got something good to say, shut the ***k up!

[Sarah]

That is the greatest letter of complaint ever. Can somebody act it out? I haven't stopped laughing for 20 minutes

"Cheese Richard, Cheese!"

Genius

[Ben Stevens]

Great

[Suzy M]

That is the hardest I have laughed in a long time, I am crying it's so funny. Brightened up a particularly rubbish day!

[Nigel Pepper]

I am literally, in a fit of laughter induced tears.

Brilliant!

[Enrique]

Blimey, what a polarisation of views. This is a good letter of complaint as it will stand out from the crowd and catch someones attention, so summarily dismissing it by simply stating "I've written better" is unfair, but on the other hand it's hardly the funniest thing ever published either.

Get a grip people.

[betty]

Very funny. Comes second in my mind to this actual letter sent to Procter & Gamble sent from an American woman about one of their feminine products...this woman really got going after the 2nd para

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jenifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you #$%@* kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull shit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

[Happy now]

Hehehe! This is brilliant! It's a letter of comic genius and it's great to see somebody speaking up about the fact that they're not getting the quality of service that they have paid a lot for. What's even funnier is the miserable posters who have said he doesn't understand the culture or that what he's written isn't funny. I'm so pleased to have my day lightened up- thanks everyone :-)